Writing even when it feels wrong
I struggled writing today. I went to my idea notebook, and I knew that I could write something or some story about what’s in there, but that didn’t really feel like a slice of life today. It would also feel like I was avoiding writing about the obvious couple of things for me today. There are times that remembering numbers and dates as soon as they’re told to me is a blessing, and other times when I curse it. Today’s date, March 15th, at least for the last eight years, hasn’t been a day I look forward to. I haven’t been able to forget that it’s 3/15 today, as I’ve been typing it in at work several times for various different reasons. I try to replace it with other things – the birthday of an aunt I adore, and Ted Lasso’s season three premiere is today. How long does it take for a brain to reassociate dates?
My other obvious slice for today is that today is an infusion day. The few consistent readers I have know that I struggle with my health, and that it’s not something I talk about much, despite it being probably one of the top three things that helps define me as a person. Even now, I’m not really sure what to say about it. I know I resent it, and I know there are unresolved feelings of anger and sadness there that I’m working through. I’m 23 and will deal with this for the rest of my life having to think about things that others don’t have to think about. I can’t just move to a new place, I can’t not have health insurance for a month here and there, I have to plan trips months in advance around my infusions, I have to look at the menus before I go out to eat… I could keep going. I constantly wonder if I make others uncomfortable or upset when I talk about it, or if they get annoyed with me. I’m not looking for pity ever; but it’s a fact that it plays a huge role in the day-to-day of my life. It affects my friendships, my relationship, my career path, where I can live.
I’m going on my eighth year of living with a diagnosis of colitis, and it might take eight more for me to really figure out how to live with it. My goal for the last couple has been to be way more upfront and open about it from the get go. I want to accept it as a part of who I am, proud of the person it’s helped mold me into, and work to find people that I feel good around despite it. I’m proud I didn’t control delete this entire post, as I considered it multiple times.
The Bam Cam 